Festivus Grievances by tgirsch

Via SayUncle, who gets to it via Big Stupid Tommy, we learn that this is the time of year to celebrate “Festivus,” by airing our list of grievances. I’ll bite. My grievances are against:

  • Radio stations that start playing nothing but Christmas music in early- or mid-November.
  • Retails stores that put their Christmas shit up before Halloween.
  • Left-lane huggers.
  • People who don’t comprehend the four-way stop (including, apparently, the entire city of Memphis).
  • Morning people.
  • Coaxial cable.
  • People who think that I’m an uncaring, insensitive prick because I hate The Christmas Shoes.
  • Vikings fans.
  • Fair-weather fans.
  • Single-issue voters.
  • People who continue to insist that the lead singer from the Bangles was ever “hot.”
  • People who make long, rambling lists.
  • Partisans who cannot or will not recognize the ways in which their partisanship colors their views.
  • People who leave like one whole sheet of toilet paper on the roll without changing the roll.
  • People who put the toilet paper on the wrong way. (You know who you are.)
  • Humorless pricks, and people who cannot laugh at themselves.
  • People who interrupt The Family Guy to bring us an “important news flash.”
  • People who have their wireless phones permanently attached to their faces.
  • People who walk around with the little wireless phone earpiece thing: you’re not a secret service agent, you’re one step away from being the homeless dude pushing the shopping cart talking to himself.
  • People who continue to insist that Oasis was ever a good, influential, or important band.
  • Restaurants that carry Pepsi instead of Coke.
  • Atheists who think being an atheist automatically makes them smarter than everyone else (and I say that as an atheist).
  • People who hold The Daily Show to a higher journalistic standard than the actual news.
  • People who think that because I work “in computers,” I can un-fuck the home computer they’ve fucked up by installing IncrediMail, WeatherBug, Comet Cursor, and every other spyware piece of shit product they can get their hands on.
  • People who target the above people with shiny pieces of spyware.
  • On-line casinos, pharmacies, asian teen sites, and any number of other comment-spam purveyors.
  • People who can look at a platypus and still think that evolution is “just a theory.”
  • People who are convinced that they have the “one true religion,” and that all those other “one true religions” are obviously wrong.
  • People who erect huge crosses alongside the highway (especially the ones who try to turn them into tourist attractions).
  • People who cook steak past medium (why bother eating it?).
  • People who think Taco Bell constitutes “Mexican Food.”
  • People who make long, rambling lists.
  • People who repeat themselves.

Added:

  • People who preface blatantly racist remarks with “I’m not a racist, but…”

I think that’s all for now, but I’m sure I’ll have more.

December 23rd, 2005 in Holiday

13 Comments

SayUncleDecember 23rd, 2005

“People who continue to insist that the lead singer from the Bangles was ever “hot.” ”

She was.

“Partisans who cannot or will not recognize the ways in which their partisanship colors their views. ”

that would shut down 2/3rds of this blog ;-)

“People who hold The Daily Show to a higher journalistic standard than the actual news. ”

Sadly, some jokes aside, it does.

“People who can look at a platypus and still think that evolution is “just a theory.” ”

I think the platypus makes more of a case for ID since it contains cross species characteristics. But that’s just me.

tgirschDecember 23rd, 2005

“She was.”

No, she wasn’t. :)

“Sadly, some jokes aside, it does.”

You mean it holds itself to a higher standard? Maybe…

“I think the platypus makes more of a case for ID since it contains cross species characteristics.”

How do you figure? It looks for all the world like two things that never should have been screwing wound up screwing. Of course, if it is evidence for ID, it’s evidence that God drops acid…

SayUncleDecember 23rd, 2005

Well, an evolution proponent said that one thing that would be a blow to evolution would be Chimera (i.e., a species that represents crossed species such as a mermaid or centaur). A platypus has many characteristics of various species. Obviously, the record of the platypus doesn’t really bear this theory out, imo. More at:

http://www.saysuncle.com/archives/2005/08/27/chimera/

SayUncle » Holiday CheerDecember 23rd, 2005

[...] Update: More airing of grievances here, here and here. My favorites: Mentos! Fresh maker my ass! [...]

Kevin T. KeithDecember 23rd, 2005

Apparently, “Festivus” originated on a Seinfeld episode (I wouldn’t know – I’ve never seen an entire Seinfeld episode), though it was inspired by an actual Scandinavian celebration.

At any rate:

One of your grievances is “coaxial cable”? Dude, you’re taking it kind of personally, aren’t you?

Instead of a list of grievances, I could just write a list of things I’m not grieved about. It would fit on that last square of toilet paper on your roll – appropriately enough, I suppose. It would not, by the way, include any part of the City of New York, my landlady, my apartment, my sex life, my income, or my big toe – among many, many, other things.

Happy Festivus.

Wacko!December 23rd, 2005

Don’t forget about the O.C.’s hybrid celebration, Chrismukkah.

JustinDecember 23rd, 2005

I wouldn’t know – I’ve never seen an entire Seinfeld episode

What! Never seen Seinfeld?! You must be a freedom hating terrorist lover…
:-)

kevinDecember 23rd, 2005

Festivus — reason 386 to despise Seinfeld :)

wkmaierDecember 24th, 2005

I’d like to add Chris Berman. He is, without question, the most annoying sportscaster in the history of humankind.

Except maybe for that guy the Aztecs had…

10,000 Monkeys and a CameraDecember 24th, 2005

Happy Festivus (belated)

A few people have drawn up lists for the traditional Airing of Grievances (I haven’t had time, but I admire their efforts!):Big, Stupid TommySay UncleA Large RegularDemocratic DailyBalloon JuiceCarpe DatumLean LeftAnyone else?…

FreedomSightDecember 25th, 2005

[...] When I can’t afford the cool toys I want Okay, I guess that’s enough griping for Christmas day. OB Link whoring: Big Stupid Tommy, A Large Regular, Lean Left [...]

_JonDecember 25th, 2005

Perhaps if ID were accepted, then the platypus would be considered a “Design Flaw”.
.. just a thought ..

SiriusDecember 11th, 2008

A common case is something called the slime eel. If you’re intrigued, do look it up.

Suffice to say that if I was lying sick and dying on the ocean floor, I would hate to have anything lubricated with its own mucus slither up my anus and eat me from the inside.

That is all.