The Airing of Grievances: Last of the Year (I Hope)
Posted by
tgirsch
Language warning: The easily offended should not proceed.
Smokers: You fuckers are a bunch of pricks. The world is not your ashtray, alright? So stop throwing your damn butts on the ground, out the window, or wherever the hell you feel like it. And your habit inarguably affects the health and comfort of others around you, so quit bitching when we ask, or even require, that you limit yourself to your private property, the great outdoors, or designated areas. I don’t get to just whip out a stick of patchouli incense and light it in the middle of the restaurant, so I don’t see what makes you think you have some sort of god-given right to pollute the air wherever you go. Quit your goddamn whining, and go kill yourself where the rest of us don’t have to share your poison.
The “Blame the Iraqi People” Crowd: And this includes Democrats (like Levin) as well as Republicans. Yeah, yeah, if the Iraqi people weren’t willing to fight for the security and stability of their country, then they never should have asked us to invade them and destroy their infrastructure. Oh, wait…
Christina Aguilera: Yes, you have a great set of pipes, and yes, you can do lengty, high-pitched runs in every goddamn song, but that doesn’t mean you should. Worst part is, I actually like a good portion of your music, but then you apparently start giving birth or having a weird orgasm or something in the middle of the song, and I’m not quite sure what to make of it. Most people will tire of this, and if you keep it up, you’ll be relegated to singing for middle-aged housewives in Vegas. Just ask Celine Dion.
iTunes: Apple is famous for its user-friendly software and intuitive user interfaces, but iTunes has to be the most putrid, counterintuitive, unnavigable piece of crap I’ve ever encountered. And I say this as a guy who used to have to use the DOS version of WordPerfect (and, even worse, the AT&T 3B2 Unix version) for a lengthy period of time. I can’t figure out how to do anything with your piece of shit software. My Christmas gift iPod Nano came pre-loaded with three audio books, but you think iTunes has any idea they’re there? Nope! You think it gives me an easy-to-find way to back that shit up to my PC? Nope! You think it will let me copy new music to the iPod without threatening to first erase everything that’s on the iPod? Nope! You think there’s any easy-to-find way to copy just one song (or just a few select songs) to the iPod? Nope! (Well, actually, yes, if you think to drag and drop, but there aren’t any context-sensitive menus to do it, nor any other menu options.) I don’t know what the fuck Apple was thinking, or why people rave about this stuff, because I can’t make heads or tails of it, despite being a well-compensated IT professional who can use vi and even program a VCR…
Satellite Radio: You really expect me to believe you’re going to stay commercial-free once more people convert? Yeah, right. We heard that one with Cable TV a few decades ago, too… I’m no fan of broadcast radio, but at least I don’t have to pay for it, and at least it doesn’t take 2 friggin’ seconds to change the cannel.
Bill Kristol: Dude, admit you were wrong, already. You’re embarrasing yourself, and selling out whatever little credibility you have left, and for what? So you can go on The Daily Show and be made to look incompetent by a comedian? Out of loyalty to an administration that probably couldn’t give two squirts of piss about you?
DirecTV: I’ve probably already mentioned it, but let me keep my TiVo, dammit! In fact, if you’d sell me an additional TiVo unit, I’d gladly buy it. What is it with telecom companies and their utter contempt for the wishes of their customers, anyway?
People Who Send Me Christmas Cards: It’s okay if you send out the family picture, or that form letter that tells us how your year went. I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to the people who send just a card. Doing so makes me feel like a dick for later throwing out said card, and for not having sent you one. I don’t do cards, so you’re not getting one from me. The pictures I keep, at least for a little while, and the letters I really do read and recycle later. But a simple card with a generic salutation? No, thanks.
Dude:
Did I take over your head, or something? I don’t remember doing that. Good rant, anyhow.
I’m totally 1,000% with you on the smoking thing. Christ it’s disgusting and intrusive, and they seem to have no regard whatsoever for how uncomfortable they make others.
Yes, you have a great set of pipes, and yes, you can do lengty, high-pitched runs in every goddamn song, . . . then you apparently start giving birth or having a weird orgasm or something in the middle of the song . . . .
Whoah. I just always thought of her as “the one without the weird Japanese posse”. Maybe I’ll have to start paying attention.
Bill Kristol’s a dinosaur. And it’s not like he’s the first clueless schmuck to get taken apart by Jon Stewart. I don’t get these people who go on his show and then stagger off bleeding, completely surprised at having their head handed to them. Do they even watch the show? Or are they so intoxicated by their own bullshit they forget they’re making it up until they encounter a rational person outside their little cult of true believers?
Christmas cards: Yeah, I never know what to do with the, like, three that I get every year. Mostly I tell myself “Thank god I didn’t grow up to be the kind of person who sends out a yearly letter” before reminding myself that (a) I’ve been stuck in a rut so long that I really only need a decade letter, and (b) I have a blog. But, strangely perhaps, Christmas cards are one of the few things that I’m not willing to expend energy getting upset about. They just slowly settle into all the other clutter in my apartment and by March you can’t even see them any more. Problem solved.
I do get a little annoyed about Christmas presents, however. And I hasten to add that it’s not in an ungrateful way. I truly believe “it’s the thought that counts”, and think it’s the worst kind of churlishness to resent any sincere gift, no matter what it is. (Especially if you’re an adult. If you’re a kid, Christmas and birthdays are your only opportunities for materially improving your standard of living, so it matters more.) But after getting exactly the same thing for several years in a row - namely, boxes of food and candy from every relative I own, and sometimes gift certificates to gourmet food stores, and, in one case, the offer to reimburse me for a sandwich at a local deli (I’m not kidding) - I realize that this says something about my relationship with them. Specifically, it’s obvious that they have absolutely no clue what would be an appropriate gift for me, and so default to almost literally the lowest possible common human denominator (everybody’s gotta eat, right?). Next year I’m expecting to get bottled oxygen and packets of raw adenosine triphosphate. But I realize that they don’t know anything about me because I’ve spent a good part of my life in a defensive stance toward my own family, not letting them in (because, frankly, they’re annoying in ways totally beyond pantry-centric Christmas gifts). So, their lack of understanding is something I’ve cultivated, and only now, after many years, have begun to see as detracting from our relationships. The fact that they no longer bother to ask (or, apparently, have any clue about Amazon’s Wish List) is further sign of how effectively I’v made it clear they aren’t welcome - which is not their fault.
Comment 12/28/2006
KTK:
Oh, I’m good for a profanity-laced rant all my own every once in a while. It’s just that not all of my rants are profanity-laced.
On the smoking thing, you know, I really don’t have a problem with smoking per se. With a hat tip to Steve Martin, farting is a disgusting habit, and I do it all the time. I just try not to do it around other people. Frankly, I think outright public smoking bans probably go a bit too far, but that doesn’t stop smokers from being simply insufferable. In my perfect world, bars and restaurants would be allowed, at their discretion, to have smoking rooms, provided those rooms are closed off from the rest of the establishment and properly ventilated. But I’m tired of being in a 20′x30′ dining rooms where this 10′x30′ slice is “smoking,” and that 10′x30′ slice isn’t, as if that separation makes a bit of difference.
Meanwhile, I find myself feeling more than a little bit chagrined that literally yesterday, I ordered a box of food to be sent to you, for arrival the week of 1/8. I’ll have to see if my wife knows where to score raw adenosine triphosphate.
As for relationships with family, this is something my wife is struggling with right now. She still loves her family, of course, but she’s having a hard time working out how to deal with them when most of them politically support everything she despises, and oppose everything she loves; the easy answer is to avoid discussing politics, but it’s seemingly all they ever want to talk about. I don’t like talking politics that much, and I write for a political blog! Anyway, she’s not as good at the dancing as I am, and it bothers her that she’s always having to walk on eggshells around her own immediate family. I’m trying to gently ease her into the all-important “fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” place, but it’s been slow going. My relationship with her family is better, because they know I’m “evil” from their perspective, so we mutually avoid those topics. But I think they think there’s still a chance to “save” her, and as long as she lets them believe that, it’s going to be uncomfortable.
It also doesn’t help when we get around my family. Politics are almost never discussed. To this day, I couldn’t tell you whether my Dad considers himself a Democrat or a Republican. I know that until recently my Mom tended to vote Republican, but I’m not sure she considers herself one, and I’ve blogged about her actual views being in conflict with her voting patterns more than once. So the lack of political discussion makes things very easy-going with my family. That, and the fact that when we do get together, we’re usually all drinking socially (and ultimately getting drunk) together. All-in-all, a much more relaxed atmosphere. (That said, my family is far more likely to fuck with you, and to never let you hear the end of anything. At age 3 or 4, I had to be rushed to the emergency room because I got a wooden puzzle piece stuck in my nose, and to this day they still sometimes call me “PN” or “Puzzle Nose,” and to re-tell other such embarrassing decades-old stories. I’m guilty of doing this to others, too…)
Comment 12/28/2006
P.S. Who’s the one with the weird Japanese posse?
Comment 12/28/2006
Tom:
(1) Thanks for your kindness and generosity; you didn’t have to do that. (2) Now I feel like an asshole for complaining about food gifts. I didn’t mean it like that. Thank you very much.
PS: Gwen Stefani
Comment 12/28/2006