Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Solstice, Happy Hanukkah and Happy anything else you celebrate that I may have missed. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, whatever you may celebrate.
OK - I’ve got one, too.
My favorite Christmas carol is this:
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleepAnd I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
What a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!
This is a great Christmas carol for several reasons. For one, it carries with it the poignant imminence of the kid’s realization that there is no Santa Claus. The singer doesn’t quite get it yet, but you know they’ll figure it out soon enough, and the hook to the song is that the audience clearly realizes what the kid doesn’t yet know. I can’t stress enough the importance to a good Christmas carol of a firm denial of belief in mythical beings with supernatural powers. The added fact that Santa is a quasi-religious character (deriving from “Saint Nicholas”, an historical Catholic figure) embodying certain Christ-like traits makes this one of the rare, and therefore precious, pro-atheist Christmas carols.
On a similar note, it carries with it the distant implication of the kid’s eventual sexual awakening, which is the second-most important element of a good Christmas carol. When the singer finally realizes what was really going on with Mommy and Santa Claus, Christmas is going to take on a whole new meaning.
And finally, there is the true nature of that under-mistletoe action, discernible only to the adult mind. I mean, figure it: if the kid actually saw “Santa Claus” with a “beard so snowy white”, that means that Daddy must have been dressed up as Santa to put presents under the tree while the kid was supposed to be asleep, which means that Daddy wears a Santa costume for reasons that have nothing to do with entertaning children, and further, we surmise from the kid’s description of Mommy’s reaction, that turns Mommy on. Here we have the true meaning of the song, and the essence of its Christmas-carol magnificence: Mommy and Daddy are into Santa Claus dress-up kink! Now that’s the spirit of Christmas!
So, I give you the world’s greatest Christmas carol: free-thinking, realist, kinda sexy, and perverted! Everything I want Christmas to be!
Today’s song is Father Christmas, by the Kinks. It is a nice little class anthem and a good reminder about what is supposed to be important on Christmas. The stanza before the last chorus is one of the most poignant in any Christmas song. And it has a kind of angry energy to it that I really like.
When I was small I believed in Santa Clause
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at Christmas
Open my presents and I’d be glad
But the last time I played Father Christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor
They said:
“Father Christmas, give us some money
Don’t mess around with those silly toys.
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
We want your bread so don’t make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
“Don’t give my brother a real trashy outfit
Don’t give my sister a cuddly toy
We don’t want a jigsaw or monopoly money
We only want the real McCoy
“Father Christmas, give us some money
We’ll beat you up if you make us annoyed
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don’t mess around with those silly toys
“But give my daddy a job ’cause he needs one
He’s got lots of mouths to feed
But if you’ve got one, I’ll have a machine gun
So I can scare all the kids down the street
“Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin’
While you’re drinkin’ down your wine
“Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
We want your bread, so don’t make us annoyed
“Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
Give all the toys to the little rich boy
Home on Christmas Day is a sad, sweet song about wanting to be with the people you love during th holidays. The war on Christmas nonsense has obscured the fact that, in addition to the religious significance of the holiday, Christmas in this country is also a secular celebration of home and peace and family and fellowship. This song, by Cindi Lauper oddly enough, captures that spirit very nicely. I hope everyone reading this gets to be with the ones they love this holiday.
Sitting in some hotel room
Some place far away
Saw a shop light screaming Christmas
Bought your present there today
Pre-Chorus:]
I’ll be home on Christmas day
I am just a thought away
And every Christmas tree
Reminds me where I’d rather be
The drunken Santa on the corner
Looks a little blue
But the twinkle in his eye dear
Looks a little like you
[Chorus:]
I’ll be home on Christmas day
I am just a thought away
And every Christmas tree
Reminds me where I’d rather be
Home on Christmas day
I am just a thought away
But anywhere I’ll be
You will always be Christmas to me
Something about this season
Makes me feel a little queer
Everybody’s so dam jolly
I wish you were here
[Chorus:]
I’ll be home on Christmas day
I am just a thought away
And every Christmas tree
Reminds me where I’d rather be
Home on Christmas day
I am just a thought away
But anywhere I’ll be
You will always be Christmas to me
Hark, The Herald Angels Sing. This is another one of those over the top happy songs that you cannot help but like. And it focuses on the merciful, forgiving aspect of God, which is a nice counterpoint to the “do this or you are damned” rut modern American Christianity seems to have fallen into.
Hark! The herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King;
Peace on earth, and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled!”
Joyful, all ye nations rise,
Join the triumph of the skies;
With th’angelic host proclaim,
“Christ is born in Bethlehem!”
Refrain
Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”
Christ, by highest Heav’n adored;
Christ the everlasting Lord;
Late in time, behold Him come,
Offspring of a virgin’s womb.
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see;
Hail th’incarnate Deity,
Pleased with us in flesh to dwell,
Jesus our Emmanuel.
Refrain
Hail the heav’nly Prince of Peace!
Hail the Sun of Righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings,
Ris’n with healing in His wings.
Mild He lays His glory by,
Born that man no more may die.
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to give them second birth.
Refrain
Come, Desire of nations, come,
Fix in us Thy humble home;
Rise, the woman’s conqu’ring Seed,
Bruise in us the serpent’s head.
Now display Thy saving power,
Ruined nature now restore;
Now in mystic union join
Thine to ours, and ours to Thine.
Refrain
Adam’s likeness, Lord, efface,
Stamp Thine image in its place:
Second Adam from above,
Reinstate us in Thy love.
Let us Thee, though lost, regain,
Thee, the Life, the inner man:
O, to all Thyself impart,
Formed in each believing heart.
Refrain
Rudy is an example of my favorite genre of music: songs with an updeat tempo and depressing lyrics. 99 Red ballons, of course, is the cannonical example. No, this is not a happy song. But it is a very good song, and Christmas needs sad songs. Christmas (and, when you get right down to it, Christianity) is not about you, whoever you may be. Christmas is about other people. That fact is too often forgotten today.
Rudy lives on the borderline
Between civilization and basic survival
And the summertime treats him fairly well
But the wintertime is a dirty cold rival.
It’s wintertime now in Georgetown,
The streets come alive with the Christmas light
And Rudy sleeps on a warm air grate,
With a newspaper blanket on December nights.
Deck the halls,
Rudolph the red-nosed wino
Knows it’s Christmas time.
Jingle Bells and Christmas shoppers.
Dashing through the snow.
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Who’ve found it in your hearts
To flip Rudy a thin
And I’ll be home for Christmas,
But this man has
No place to go.
Christmas has a meaning at all,
The people of greed and incredible waste,
They seek the deeper meaning
In the shopping mall,
In a yuletide spirit
Of impatience and hate.
Rudy is a patient man,
Who tries to see the beauty in everything.
Yes, and not a very demanding soul,
Whose only wish is
To live until the Spring.
Nobody knows the reasons why
Things turn out
Like the way they do.
And there ain’t no one to tell you
The reasons why
There’s fortunate folks
Like me and you.
Rudy must have people somewhere,
Who wonder what
Became of the man.
And Rudy must wonder
The same damn thing
As the crowd passes by
And he sticks out his hand.
Deck the halls,
Rudolph the red-nosed wino
Knows it’s Christmas time.
Jingle Bells in the Christmas Shop.
Others dashing through the snow.
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Who have found it in your hearts
To flip Rudy a thin,
And I’ll be home for Christmas,
But this man has
No place to go.
Rudy died on the borderline,
Of a civilized world
On Christmas Eve.
You know the shoppers shopped,
And the temperatures dropped,
On a man whose absence
Won’t be grieved.
Peace on the soul of the cop
Who found him dead in a booth
With his hand frozen to a telephone.
You know, I think I know
Who he had on the line,
And Rudy won’t spend
This Christmas alone.
Deck the halls,
Rudolph the red-nosed wino
Knows it’s Christmas time.
Jingle Bells in the Christmas Shop.
Others dashing through the snow.
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Who have found it in your hearts
To flip Rudy a thin,
And I’ll be home for Christmas,
And this year,
Rudy gets to go.
Yeah, I’ll be home for Christmas.
And this year, Rudy gets to go
Joy to the World is the most fun of the traditional carols. You have to have a soft spot for a song that is so over the top in its adoration for its subject.
Joy to the world, the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.
Joy to the world, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.
No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.
He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.
This was sent in by reader Ann Marie. I haven’t heard it played, but I like the semi-archaic lyrics and I think it captures the awe the devout feel towards Christmas rather nicely, so up it goes:
Masters In This Hall
“To Bethlem did they go, the shepherds three;
To Bethlem did they do to see whe’r it were so or no,
Whether Christ were born or no
To set men free.” (I’ve never heard this part sung, but it was on the web site, so…)
1. Masters in this Hall,
Hear ye news to-day
Brought from over sea,
And ever I you pray:
Chorus
Nowell! Nowell! Nowell!
Nowell, sing we clear!
Holpen are all folk on earth,
Born is God’s son so dear:
Nowell! Nowell! Nowell!
Nowell, sing we loud!
God to-day hath poor folk raised
And cast a-down the proud.
2. Going o’er the hills,
Through the milk-white snow,
Heard I ewes bleat
While the wind did blow: Chorus
3. Shepherds many an one
Sat among the sheep,
No man spake more word
Than they had been asleep: Chorus
4. Quoth I, “Fellows mine,
Why this guise sit ye?
Making but dull cheer,
Shepherds though ye be? Chorus
5. “Shepherds should of right
Leap and dance and sing,
Thus to see ye sit,
Is a right strange thing”: Chorus
6. Quoth these fellows then,
“To Bethlem town we go,
To see a mighty lord
Lie in manger low”: Chorus
7. “How name ye this lord,
Shepherds?’ then said I,
“Very God,” they said,
“Come from Heaven high”: Chorus
8. Then to Bethlem town
We went two and two,
And in a sorry place
Heard the oxen low: Chorus
9. Therein did we see
A sweet and goodly may
And a fair old man,
Upon the straw she lay: Chorus
10. And a little child
On her arm had she,
“Wot ye who this is?”
Said the hinds to me: Chorus
11. Ox and ass him know,
Kneeling on their knee,
Wondrous joy had I
This little babe to see: Chorus
12. This is Christ the Lord,
Masters be ye glad!
Christmas is come in,
And no folk should be sad: Chorus
Also found in A. H. Bullen, A Christmas Garland (London: John C. Nimmo, 1885), pp.80-3. He notes, at page 258, “In Sedding’s “Ancient Christmas Carols” this carol is said to be translated from the French.”
Rebel Jesus is one of my favorite Christmas songs, despite the fact that Jackson Browne is an awful musician. Despite the fact that I am still waiting for a decent version of this song, it goes on the list and I look forward to hearing it every year. If you read the Gospels and don’t come to the same conclusion as these lyrics, well, you weren’t paying attention.
All the streets are filled with laughter and light
And the music of the season
And the merchants’ windows are all bright
With the faces of the children
And the families hurrying to their homes
As the sky darkens and freezes
They’ll be gathering around the hearths and tales
Giving thanks for all god’s graces
And the birth of the rebel jesus
Well they call him by the prince of peace
And they call him by the savior
And they pray to him upon the seas
And in every bold endeavor
As they fill his churches with their pride and gold
And their faith in him increases
But they’ve turned the nature that I worshipped in
From a temple to a robber’s den
In the words of the rebel jesus
We guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why they are poor
They get the same as the rebel jesus
But please forgive me if I seem
To take the tone of judgement
For I’ve no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In this life of hardship and of earthly toil
We have need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure
And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel jesus.
Since Kevin didn’t do one today, I’ll weigh in. I’m a big fan of Tom Lehrer’s A Christmas Carol because of how well it lampoons the commercialism of the season:
Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly.
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don’t say when.Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens.
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.On Christmas Day you can’t get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore.
There’s time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.Relations, sparing no expense, ‘ll
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
(”Just the thing I need, how nice!”)It doesn’t matter how sincere it is,
Nor how heart felt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What’s important is the price.Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry merchants,
May ye make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high,
Tell us to go out and buy!So, let the raucous sleigh bells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don’t stand underneath when they fly by.
Good King Wenscelaus, becasue it is time for a classic. And this song encompasses the charitable spirit that is supposed to be at the heart of the Season.
Good King Wenceslas looked out on the Feast of Stephen,
When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel,
When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fuel.
“Hither, page, and stand by me, if you know it, telling,
Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling?”
“Sire, he lives a good league hence, underneath the mountain,
Right against the forest fence, by Saint Agnes’ fountain.”
“Bring me food and bring me wine, bring me pine logs hither,
You and I will see him dine, when we bear them thither.”
Page and monarch, forth they went, forth they went together,
Through the cold wind’s wild lament and the bitter weather.
“Sire, the night is darker now, and the wind blows stronger,
Fails my heart, I know not how; I can go no longer.”
“Mark my footsteps, my good page, tread now in them boldly,
You shall find the winter’s rage freeze your blood less coldly.”
In his master’s steps he trod, where the snow lay dinted;
Heat was in the very sod which the saint had printed.
Therefore, Christian men, be sure, wealth or rank possessing,
You who now will bless the poor shall yourselves find blessing.
Another classic. I like the sense of relief, of finally having someone on your side as you face off with life, that God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen conveys. Maddy Prior has my favorite verison.
God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay,
Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day;
To save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray.
Refrain
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy.
In Bethlehem, in Israel, this blessèd Babe was born,
And laid within a manger upon this blessèd morn;
The which His mother Mary did nothing take in scorn.
Refrain
From God our heavenly Father a blessèd angel came;
And unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same;
How that in Bethlehem was born the Son of God by name.
Refrain
“Fear not, then,” said the angel, “Let nothing you afright
This day is born a Savior of a pure Virgin bright,
To free all those who trust in Him from Satan’s power and might.”
Refrain
The shepherds at those tidings rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding in tempest, storm and wind,
And went to Bethl’em straightaway this blessèd Babe to find.
Refrain
But when to Bethlehem they came where our dear Savior lay,
They found Him in a manger where oxen feed on hay;
His mother Mary kneeling unto the Lord did pray.
Refrain
Now to the Lord sing praises all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface.
Refrain
God bless the ruler of this house, and send him long to reign,
And many a merry Christmas may live to see again;
Among your friends and kindred that live both far and near—
That God send you a happy new year, happy new year,
And God send you a happy new year.
I have no idea what The St Stephen’s Day Murders has to do with Christmas. In fact, I think claling this song a Christmas song might actually constitute scariliege. But you know what? It’s a great song, and, hey, who hasn’t wanted to poison their relatives during a family gathering?
This is an Elvis Costello song. You can find it on the Cheiftan’s Bells of Dublin album, probably my favorite holiday collection.
I knew of two sisters whose name it was Christmas,
And one was named Dawn of course, the other one was named Eve.
I wonder if they grew up hating the season,
The good will that lasts til the Feast of St. Stephen
For that is the time to eat, drink, and be merry,
Til the beer is all spilled and the whiskey has flowed.
And the whole family tree you neglected to bury,
Are feeding their faces until they explode.
Chorus:
There’ll be laughter and tears over Tia Marias,
Mixed up with that drink made from girders.
’Cause it’s all we’ve got left as they draw their last breath,
Ah, it’s nice for the kids, as you finally get rid of them,
In the St Stephen’s Day Murders.
Uncle is garglin’ a heart-breaking air,
While the babe in his arms pulls out all that remains of his hair.
And we’re not drunk enough yet to dare criticize,
The great big kipper tie he’s about to baptize.
With his gin-flavoured whiskers and kisses of sherry,
His best Chrimbo shirt slung out over the shop.
While the lights from the Christmas tree blow up the telly,
His face closes in like an old cold pork chop.
Alternate Chorus:
And the carcass of the beast left over from the feast,
May still be found haunting the kitchen.
And there’s life in it yet, we may live to regret,
When the ones that we poisoned stop twitchin’.
Regular Chorus Repeat
Today’s song cannot really be called a Christmas song, but the fact that it is perfectly American. Baby, It’s Cold Outside is a song of seduction. It can be song with a certain earnestness, or sweetness, or playfulness, or even a touch of the sinister. But it is, emphatically, about getting someone into bed. And that is not, I think, the generally accepted meaning of the Holiday Season. But it does take place in the winter, and so generations of marketing dweebs have sold it to us as a holiday song because, hey, it’s cold in December and people drink a lot. So it has, through the very American application of advertising and the elevation of perception above reality, become a Christmas song.
And at the end of the day it really is a very good song. The song is a duet, so the first portion of each line is one singer, (traditionally the female, though it works perfectly well with the roles reversed or no gender difference) the second portion the other.
I really can’t stay - Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away - Baby it’s cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you’d drop in
So very nice - I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what’s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I’d better scurry - Beautiful, please don’t hurry
well Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour
The neighbors might think - Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried - What’s the sense in hurting my pride
I really can’t stay - Baby don’t hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
C’mon baby
I simply must go - Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it’s cold outside
This welcome has been - I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm — Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before
I’ve got to go home - Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It’s up to your knees out there
You’ve really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don’t you see - How can you do this thing to me
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can’t stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
Baby it’s cold outside
Brr its cold….
It’s cold out there
Cant you stay awhile longer baby
Well…..I really shouldn’t…alright
Make it worth your while baby
Ahh, do that again….
Merry Christmas, Baby. The Springsteen version is particularly good.
Merry Christmas baby
Babe you sure did treat me nice
Yeah! Merry Merry Merry Christmas baby
Babe you sure did treat me nice
Gave me a diamond ring for Christmas
And now I’m living in paradise
Oh! I’m feeling mighty fine this morning
I’ve got good music on my radio
Hey baby, I’m feeling mighty fine
I’ve got good music on my radio
I would love to hug and kiss you baby
While you’re standing beneath the mistletoe
Santa came down the chimney
About half past three
He got all of these presents that you’ll use
See, I’ll help you put on these
Merry Merry Merry Christmas baby
Oh! You sure been good to me
I haven’t had a drink this evenin’ baby
But I’m all lit up like a Christmas tree
Hey! Merry Merry Merry Christmas baby
I’ve got good music on my radio
I said, Merry Merry Merry Christmas baby
I’ve got good music on my radio
I would love to hug and kiss you baby
While you’re standing beneath the mistletoe
Here is a semi-classic, I Saw Three Ships. I have no idea why the Baby Jesus would sail to England, much less why He would require three ships, but I love the melody. When this is played correctly (i.e, by someone who is not Sting) is is quite a merry little tune. And yes, I just used “merry” without a hint of irony.
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas day, on Christmas day;
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas day in the morning.
And what was in those ships all three,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day?
And what was in those ships all three,
On Christmas day in the morning?
Our Savior Christ and His lady,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day;
Our Savior Christ and His lady,
On Christmas day in the morning.
Pray whither sailed those ships all three,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day?
Pray whither sailed those ships all three,
On Christmas day in the morning?
O they sailed into Bethlehem,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day,
O they sailed into Bethlehem,
On Christmas day in the morning.
And all the bells on earth shall ring,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day;
And all the bells on earth shall ring,
On Christmas day in the morning.
And all the angels in Heav’n shall sing,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day;
And all the angels in Heav’n shall sing,
On Christmas day in the morning.
And all the souls on Earth shall sing,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day;
And all the souls on Earth shall sing,
On Christmas day in the morning.
Then let us all rejoice amain,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day;
Then let us rejoice amain,
On Christmas day in the morning.
A commentator on this John Scalzi thread reminded me of the most horrible Christmas Song ever: Christmas Shoes. I wrote about it last year:
Tom was absolutely, one hundred percent correct: Christmas Shoes is the most horrible, un-Christian Christmas song of all time. I just heard it today on LaunchCast, and was stunned by its sheer bloody awfulness. Not only is it ham-handedly manipulative, not only is it song by someone who never met a note they couldn’t kill, but it has the most appallingly amoral message of any Christmas song I have ever heard.
The premise is terribly shallow. A little kid wants to buy shoes for his dying Mommy so that she can look good for Jesus when she dies. The song starts out trying to tug at our heartstrings by advocating the notion that Jesus cares what you look like, as if the Jimmy Choos would sway St. Peter. It is not an auspicious start to a song supposedly about the meaning of Christmas. I might have been willing to overlook that if the rest of the song didn’t miss the point of Jesus’ ministry just as badly.
The end of the song was so stunning, so vacuous, so counter to everything that I have ever been taught about Christianity that I had to find the lyrics to make sure I had heard them correctly. I had. Unfortnately:
I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about
The little boy in the lyrics is poor, his mother is about to die and he doesn’t have enough money to buy her new shoes. The singer-narrator thinks that God sent him the little boy so that he, the narrator, could be reminded about the true meaning of Christmas. Now, I am going to go out on a limb here a little and suggest that God’s plan does not include killing a young woman and leaving an orphan and widower behind so that some self-satisfied prick in a department store can feel a little bit of heaven’s love. How self-centered, how completely and totally disconnected from the spirit of the Gospels do you have to be to think that God would kill a person and crush a little boy’s heart so that you could learn a little lesson about the spirit of giving? This song couldn’t reek of privilege and clueless-ness any more if it had included a message from God to bet on the Vikings, because He favored them on Sunday. I seriously have to question whether or not this song writer would recognize a Bible if he saw one, because it certainly doesn’t seem as if he has actually read one.
God does not reward the faithful with SUVs, He does not punish the wicked with slum apartments, He does not care who wins a football game, and He doesn’t kill the mommies of little boys so that bored men in checkout lines can feel a little special Christmas glow.
If there is a Jesus, and He is coming back, I hope he does it soon. I think we have run out the string here.
From Brenda Lee’s Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree:
Later we’ll have some fuckin’ pie
(The real line is “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie,” but I always hear it the above way. My wife insists that it’s just me…)
Christmas at Ground Zero, because, frankly, nothing sums up the 80s quite like this song. And it is a member of the genre I love most: songs that combine happy, bouncy, or energetic music with really, really fscked up lyrics.
It’s christmas at ground zero
There’s music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringing and the carolers are singing
While the air raid sirens blare
It’s christmas at ground zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test
Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping
It’s the end of all humanity
No more time for last-minute shopping
It’s time to face your final destiny
It’s christmas at ground zero
There’s panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath the mushroom cloud
You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or jack frost on your windowsill
But if someone’s climbing down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill
It’s christmas at ground zero
And if the radiation level’s okay
I’ll go out with you and see all the new
Mutations on new year’s day
It’s christmas at ground zero
Just seconds left to go
I’ll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It’s christmas at ground zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke, we’re gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
Today’s song is Silent Night. This song is quite beautiful and captures the sense of devotion and love that the birth of the Savior is supposed to. It can also be read as a lullaby. The image of Mary gently singing to sleep her newborn, Son of God or not, is touching and true and emphasizes the humanity of Jesus. Almost any version that maintains the elegant arraignment of the original is good:
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Savior is born
Christ, the Savior is born
Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love’s pure light
Royalty was like dandelions. No matter how many heads you chopped off, the roots were still there underground, waiting to spring up again.
It seemed to be a chronic disease. It was as if even the most intelligent person had this little blank spot in their heads where someone had written: "Kings. What a good idea." Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw. It was its tendency to bend at the knees.
-- Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay
